If that was your dad, he is hot
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
