Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
