my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
