Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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