Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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