We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
