Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
