you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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