My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
