Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
