Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
