Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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