apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
