People with herpes should wear stickers.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
