there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's like iHOP with fire
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
