Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
