This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
