I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
