and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
