theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
