I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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