I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
