I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
