I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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