you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
