This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
