No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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