we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
