I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
