After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
