Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was born a porn star she said
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
