Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What a dumb baby whore.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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