he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
