i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
