Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
