I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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