two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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