I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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