At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
