I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
