this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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