I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
