so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
