I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
