I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
