If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
