$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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