youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
