People with herpes should wear stickers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
