I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
