What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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