the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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