Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
