if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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