I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize