I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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