Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I looked at my own cervix.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
