He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
