Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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