Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
