omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Come on in and take your pants off
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